Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
