I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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