your parents love me but you hate me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
