is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
