The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
