dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
