Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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