I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
