yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
