Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
