yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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