I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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