so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
