guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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