it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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