You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
