I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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