If i come over, it means nothing
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
