this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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