Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
