How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
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I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”