I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
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He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum