I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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