Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
