I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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