he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
