The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
