I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
