Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker