OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
pray to the hookup gods
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you