so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
