I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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