If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
