Don't make out with my wife yet
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
