Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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