i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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