We need to rekindle our bromance
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
