You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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