Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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