you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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