i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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