She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
