a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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