hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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