i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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