I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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