the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
