Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Pants are for mortals
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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