I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
