All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
