but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
