I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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