ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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