why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
