You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
