so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
