He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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