my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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