Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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