dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
