The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
