Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
